One of the most challenging parts of healing from the trauma of having obesity is for our program participants to practice self-acceptance. Almost without exception, individuals believe, falsely, that accepting yourself, and the conditions that you currently live with, will keep you stuck and prevent you from moving forward in your life. Nothing could be further from the truth. In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Dr. Marsha Linehan, the creator of DBT, calls this “radical acceptance”, a topic we teach in our program.
What is Self-Acceptance?
Self-acceptance is embracing who you are without judgement. It means you recognize your strengths and weaknesses; you practice self-compassion by being kind to yourself; and you understand that you are human and will make mistakes without beating yourself up. The psychologist, Dr. Albert Ellis, founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, says that all humans are fallible. He’s right. Perfectionistic, all-or-nothing, black and white thinkers, never accept themselves and never experience a victory as good enough. I created a quote that captures this idea best when it comes to weight control. It goes like this: “No one ever feels as good about losing a pound as they feel bad about gaining a pound.” If you think this way, then challenge your thinking by asking yourself four simple questions: 1) is your thinking really true, 2) is your thinking helping you, 3) is your thinking being kind to yourself, and 4), do your feelings fit the facts? And if you lack self-compassion, ask yourself this: “would you speak to a dear friend in need, or a child who made a mistake, the same way you talk to yourself when you make a mistake?” Most likely you would not.
Why Practice Self-Acceptance?
Self-acceptance doesn’t keep you stuck and hold you back from moving forward, as I mentioned above. Paradoxically, it frees you up to enhance your resilience to bounce back from adversity (the characteristic we believe is the most important factor in losing weight and preventing regain), leads to more self-confidence, self-esteem and well-being, helps you overcome self-criticism, leads to greater self-awareness, stronger connections with others, and prevents emotional depletion, which only makes it harder to function and make positive changes in your thoughts, feelings, and ability to move forward and live a more satisfying, fulfilling, and rewarding life. You create for yourself a safe, non-judgmental, and supportive environment for growth, just as you would want for your dearest friends.
A Personal Journey
I’ve climbed many high-altitude mountains, and one of my favorite quotes is by Robert Persig, the author of Zen and The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. It goes like this: It’s the sides of the mountain that sustain life, not the top”. There are real truths to this. First of all, practically speaking, when you climb tall, massive, snow and ice-covered mountains and glaciers, you might spend 3-5 days climbing that mountain, and when you get to the summit, and you are exhausted, and night is closing in, you spend only about 15 minutes at the top, and then return to basecamp. Three to five days of hard work in the most inhospitable conditions, all to stand on the summit for only 15 minutes. But reaching the summit isn’t all it’s about. If you permit yourself to enjoy the climb, and the beauty of the mountain, and all the mountains around you, and the crystal blue sky above the clouds, and the vast, expansive, majestic, power of mother nature, and the strength, technical skill, fortitude, and self-sufficiency required to climb that mountain, then you will be awe inspired by your efforts and the memorable experience.
The Mountain Metaphor
The mountain climbing story is the metaphor for your weight loss journey. Climbing the mountain is about accepting yourself and the conditions you find yourself in. You reach down deep to tap into your self-confidence, determination, strength, and the resilience to not give up if you make a mistake such as falling and sliding down 100 feet that took you four hours to climb, and you accept that you will make other mistakes but not beat yourself up when they happen, which will only deplete your energy and make climbing again infinitely harder, then you will enjoy the beauty as the climb as I’ve described. Well, what if you stop for a moment, decide that you will practice self-acceptance, and all the challenges of losing weight and preventing regain you come up against, and not beat yourself up if you make a mistake, but rather decide to participate in life and activities you’ve let your weight hold you back from, such as taking a dance class, putting on a bathing suit and going to the beach or swimming in the community pool, dating, sexual intimacy, or participate in all the other physical and social activities you were always afraid to do because of your weight, then all along your weight loss journey, your life will be much more satisfying and fulfilling. Yes, you may still have weight to lose, but where is it written that you have to, as I like to say (and I think I made up this quote!) “Wait to lose weight”? That’s the similarity between mountain climbing and self-acceptance, in case you were wondering.
In Conclusion
If you are willing to practice self-acceptance and stop beating yourself up, then I assure you that your life, and your weight loss journey, will be more successful, gratifying, probably easier, and just plain better. We teach self-acceptance in our program, and I can attest to the fact that people learn self-acceptance, they lose more weight, and they report their lives are infinitely better. Isn’t it worth the effort to step outside your comfort zone, take the risk to accept yourself, reap the benefits of all your hard work, and enjoy your life? I believe it is, and we know how to help you do that.
